born to run

63.1

2009-02-22T22:55:18Z

Make a list of things you purchased on Ebay

* A little leather jacket for Clarence, when we took that trip to Seattle for the weekend and I didn't want him to get cold.
* And the matching little booties, shut up.
* Parts that were supposed to let me supercharge the lawn mower. (Kevin, where did you *put* those, anyway? I can't find them.)
* Vintage Springsteen posters (six, I think?)
* Various other bits of Springsteeniana and autographs, only about half of which are authentic, cheating EBay *assholes*
* The antique fountain pen I gave Kevin for his birthday

estreetboy @ 2009-01-28T17:43:00

2009-01-28T22:43:34Z

60.3

Make a list of your favorite things to hear.

- "The drink's on the house."
- "We do have an upgrade to first class available, Mr. Evans."
- A well-executed guitar solo
- The crowd at a rock show when they're really into it and on fire
- Clarence announcing that Kevin's home
- Kevin's voice on the phone
- Kevin's voice at times of a personal nature

estreetboy @ 2009-01-19T02:57:00

2009-01-19T07:57:32Z

59.2 Make a list of things people assume about you.

(Past and present)

* That I'm not smart enough to get what they're implying about me
* That I'm not smart enough to get what they're implying about Kevin
* That I'm straight
* That I'm gay
* That I'm with Kevin for his money
* That Damien and I had some kind of a scheme together...I still don't get that one
* That I have any control whatsoever over Clarence

estreetboy @ 2009-01-02T23:39:00

2009-01-03T04:39:43Z

56.1

Make a list of New Year's resolutions

* Work out more
* Get Clarence in shape
(I guess those two can go together, actually)
* Only produce albums I'm really proud of
* Make Kevin smile every day
* Do not fight with Kevin's family
* Do not fight with Dane
* Work on another book
* ~~Learn to play the guitar again~~ Learn to get along with Kevin's cat

56.3

Make a list of songs you sing in the shower

* She's The One
* Sunday Bloody Sunday
* My Lover Man
* Psycho Killer
* Glory Days

estreetboy @ 2008-12-15T19:25:00

2008-12-16T00:25:57Z

54.3

Make a list of places you've been shopping at.

1. Borders
2. LA Guitar Garage
3. Sacred Saint Tattoo and Art Gallery
4. PetCo
5. The Gap (I'm giving Renee a sweater. A sweater is neutral, right, Kevin? Oh, except how do I ask her what size she wears without getting punched?)

And baby, can we give Clarence this?

estreetboy @ 2008-12-15T19:11:00

2008-12-16T00:17:50Z

Well, Texas is still pretty much the way I left it, it turns out. Mom put Christmas lights on a potted cactus, with a cowboy hat instead of an angel, and made spiked iced tea instead of eggnog. She's having a lot of fun these days. I'm glad.

Other than that, things are kind of...I'm glad I came, but I wish I wasn't here, if that makes any sense. I guess it doesn't. I'm glad I'm here for Brian, in the two hours a day I'm allowed to see him, but I'd rather I was being here for him in LA.

It's looking like Kevin's not going to make it out here. I thought he was going to try, but...stuff keeps coming up, I guess. He's got Dane and Layla, and the pets, so that's good, for all of them. I bet they'll have a really nice Christmas. And I'll see him when I get back. It's just a day, and if the History Channel stuff Mom's watching is right, it's a totally arbitrary one. No big deal.

It feels a lot more symbolic than it is. I need to get over it.

I just miss him. I know he's got his family and Dane and Layla and the pets and that means he won't be lonely, he won't miss me, I just wish...it didn't feel kind of like a fork in the road. That's borrowing trouble again. Forget it.

Too much iced tea, definitely. Water now, and calling Renee to see if I'm invited to tomorrow's family dinner or if my presence is not required. Brian's coming over here on Wednesday, and we'll get to play another round of "How icy can Mom be to Renee before all of us in the room get frostbite?" Great.

52

2008-12-09T00:25:23Z

2. Make a list of obsessions.
- Bruce Springsteen (me)
- Making that guitar riff work on the last track of Layla's album (me, though it SHOULD be Layla, too, ahem)
- That one spot on Kevin's side, under his ribs, that you have to kind of hunt for (me, me, me)
- Coffee (Kevin)
- Dinosaurs (Brian)
- Bacon (Clarence)
- My toes, when I'm trying to sleep, goddamn evil creature (Stevie)

51

2008-12-09T00:22:37Z

1. Make a list of people you would take a bullet for.
- Kevin
- Brian
- Dane
- Layla
- My mom
- Clarence (don't look at me like that, Kevin)

49.1

2008-12-09T00:19:22Z

49

1. Make a list of text messages you have to delete.

- "get beer on ur way home?" (from Kevin)
- "where the fuck are u the game startdd dumbasp" (from Dane)
- "running 15 min late, sry, tell brian its okay" (from Renee)
- "not now, in a meeting" (from Kevin)
- "i mean it, not now" (also from Kevin)
- "really i'm serious god you're bad" (ditto)

And then I have a few I'm not ever going to delete, no matter what.

estreetboy @ 2008-10-12T14:58:00

2008-10-12T19:59:18Z

This poem hit me really weird today:

Gone
When I am gone your pillows will smell like me.

When I am gone the ice cubes in your glass and
the sway of your curtains will sound like me.

When I am gone your toothbrush and milk carton will taste like me.

When I am gone everyone who passes by your window
and everyone on your television will look like me.

When I am gone the curve of your telephone,
the blade of your razor,
and the fur of your cat will feel like me.

When I am gone you will tell your landlady
that you're leaving at the end of the month.

You will swear your apartment is haunted.

(Nicole Blackman)

~~I think it made me think of Donna.~~

I mean, lyrics are better than poetry, anyway. It's better if it rhymes.

estreetboy @ 2008-10-01T20:48:00

2008-10-02T01:49:01Z

Make a list of things in your Google search engine
* I have all of the members of the E Street Band set up as Google Alerts, if that counts
* My name
* Kevin's name (it's good to keep an eye out for...stuff)
* Certain websites of discretion and taste
* Suppliers of soundproofing material
* The guy who did Mike Cooley's new guitar. *Damn*, that thing looks good
* A bunch of bands I'm trying to get to go on tour using the power of my mind
* "dog exercise inducemen techniques"

Make a list of things on your Amazon wish list
* This book
* And this one
* This CD
* This jacket
* This toy for Clarence
* This book for Kevin
* And this book for Kevin and I to share

41.2

2008-09-16T23:01:29Z

2. Make a list of things you like to display.

* My tattoos
* My wedding ring
* My vintage record covers
* The guitar I found in that antique store and passed up, but Kevin got it for me for my birthday
* The squirrel head Clarence left on the back porch this morning (just the head! he did such a good job of taking it right off!)
* My Grammy. (Not the one from Ryanne's album. The other one. The one from Ryanne's album doesn't count.)

estreetboy @ 2008-09-16T17:56:00

2008-09-16T22:57:13Z

http://community.livejournal.com/ontdbb/510087.html

Baby, this makes me want to...do my civic duty, if you're so inclined.

estreetboy @ 2008-09-01T20:52:00

2008-09-02T01:52:10Z

Make a list of things you can deny

* Looking at that girl
* Looking at that guy
* Slipping Clarence food under the table
* Thinking about something in the past
* Forgetting to do something
* Missing any of my bad habits
* Hiding the coffee

...hey, I said I could deny them, not that anyone believes me when I do.

To-do

2008-08-30T19:43:13Z

Monday
Labor Day cookout with Kevin's family (take Clarence; maybe bathe Clarence first, again)
Prep notes for all meetings this week

Tuesday
Meet with MTV and the executive producer
Meet with Ryanne and the band to discuss set list
Tour the venue

Wednesday
Meet with MTV/exec producer for changes since yesterday
Conference call with New York event planners
Meet with the crappy little band that's doing opening act
Review light and sound specs for the venue

Thursday
Meet with MTV/exec producer for changes since yesterday
Meet with Cobra Starship (talk them into not playing "I Kissed A Boy" or "It's Warmer In The Basement")
Conference call in the car about cameras
Change in the car
Meet Kevin/Carolyn/fancypants client for dinner at Corteau

Friday
Meet with MTV/exec producer for changes since yesterday
Conference call with New York for changes since Wednesday
Meet with the headliner band that they keep promising me will be confirmed by Thursday (fuck)
Initial talks with wardrobe and hair/makeup for anything out-of-bounds
Get home in time for date night with Kevin

estreetboy @ 2008-08-20T17:27:00

2008-08-20T22:30:48Z

Things I have done while Kevin's been gone:

* Grown a beard
* Painted the carriage house/studio
* Spilled paint on the dog (he's now kind of an interesting greenish color, three baths later)
* Broken the lawn mower AGAIN
* Re-done the whole organizational system for the book, DVD, and CD collections
* Re-done the whole organizational system for the shelves in Kevin's office (don't tell him, it's a surprise)
* Washed all of our sheets and blankets and towels
* Air-dried them in the backyard
* Re-washed them and dried them in the dryer, since air-drying made them all stiff and scratchy and weird
* Mopped the kitchen
* Mopped the basement
* Vacuumed the whole house
* Watched a lot of really bad porn

He's not going to be back for like four more days. I'm doomed.

37.2

2008-08-20T04:03:47Z

37.2

Make a list of any wardrobe items that you plan to buy

* New jeans
* T-shirts, the kind that come three in a pack
* More socks. I have got to figure out how to make the dog stop eating my socks.
* Boxers
* I think it's probably time to retire this leather jacket and get a new one
* Sweatshirt of some kind. The sound room in the carriage house is fucking cold.
* Apparently I need a new suit. Or so Kevin keeps telling me. I'm skeptical, but he's the boss.

35.1

2008-08-10T02:07:58Z

Things I have to wait for

* Clarence to finish doing his business and come in out of the rain
* Little Steven to get off my pillow
* Kevin to get home from work
* Morning to come, when I can't sleep
* Kevin to help me, when I can't wake up
* The water to heat up in the bathroom (we need a new water heater, babe)
* The drumbeat
* The guitar solo
* The next tour

estreetboy @ 2008-07-20T22:31:00

2008-07-21T03:31:26Z

A list of things that annoy you:
* Little Steven (the cat, not the guitarist)
* Show tunes (sorry, baby)
* Sandwiches made with the heel of the loaf of bread
* When the socks don't get unrolled all the way before they go in the washer, so they don't dry all the way in the dryer, and you go to put them on and they're still WET down at the end
* When Clarence hides my shoes
* ~~When Kevin works with Kyle. Or Carolyn.~~
* When they play that stupid song on the radio.

A list of things you do that annoy other people:
* ~~Think~~ Talk about Damien
* Leave my wet towels on the floor
* Put the leftovers away without sharing them with the dog
* Put the leftovers away *after* sharing them with the dog
(Different individuals are annoyed by those two)
* ~~Existing, if you ask Kevin's family~~
* Wear clip-on ties

estreetboy @ 2008-07-12T16:05:00

2008-07-12T21:05:46Z

Bribes:

* Bacon
* Wine
* Sex
* Pot
* A ride in the car
* Offering to clean the kitchen
* Nora's cooking

Punishments:
* No sex
* Being locked in the bathroom
* A spanking with a rolled-up newspaper
* No coffee
* Having to do the laundry
* Going to a Walker family gathering

Now, for extra fun, try to figure out which member of my friends and family goes with each of those.

estreetboy @ 2008-07-01T12:53:00

2008-07-01T17:53:44Z

Anticipates:

* Kevin coming home from work
* The end of long cases that go to trial
* The sax solo in "Jungleland"
* That moment mid-concert when the band really breaks through and the energy goes through the roof and it's beautiful
* The moment when the buzz hits you
* The carriage house studio being finished so I can get recording with Layla
* My book coming out

Dreads:
* Clarence and Stevie hopping up on the bed right in the middle of...things
* Kevin realizing he could do so much better than me
* That song coming on the radio
* The bill to heat this place this winter (Clarence is getting a sweater for Christmas, I don't care about his dignity)
* Fancy dinners with Kevin's family when the wine starts flowing and voices start to rise
* Screwing up again
* Kevin making me wear a tie

estreetboy @ 2008-06-28T11:28:00

2008-06-28T16:29:41Z

I need Kevin to come back from his conference RIGHT NOW.

Or when he gets here, he's going to receive a pair of cat-fur mittens and dog-skin boots.

I'm going to Dane's for the rest of the day. Oh, no, wait, I'm not, because I CAN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT THE ALARM GOING OFF.

I guess I'll lock myself in the office. Forever.

[aamuses prompt]

2008-06-27T20:30:41Z

(OOC: The aamuses mod is on vacation, so I can't actually sign John up there. But I was browsing the prompts and this one just jumped up and bit me. I will do anything to avoid packing.)

Step 1, prompt 2: Powerless

John avoided the worksheet for almost a week. It sat on his desk, tucked away under other papers and folders and things he dropped on it half-accidentally. They were both happy with the arrangement--John with ignoring the worksheet, and the worksheet with being ignored.

On the evening of the sixth day, Kevin glanced up from his book. "Have you done your homework yet?"

If John had picked up one talent in his less than noteworthy life, it was stalling. "What?"

"Your meeting's tomorrow night," Kevin said, using that infuriatingly neutral tone, the one that meant he knew exactly what John was doing but wasn't going to dignify it with acknowledgment. "Did you do your homework?"

John frowned down at the notebook in his lap, the half-formed lyrics that refused to come together. "Not yet."

"Jason wanted you to have that when you come in."

"I know." His voice came out sharper than intended, a snap, but Kevin just nodded and turned a page. It was still startling sometimes, realizing just how well Kevin knew him.

He dropped the notebook to the floor and went back to his office, digging the worksheet out and setting it precisely centered on the desk. The first step was printed across the top in irritatingly cheerful font, and then just a sheet of lines, where he was supposed to write about his reaction to the step, what it meant to him.

We admit we are powerless over our addiction — that our lives have become unmanageable.

Powerless.

He scowled at the paper, rolling his pen between his fingers. Powerless.

The problem was that it was wrong. The coke wasn't what made him powerless. Or the booze, when that was what he was hitting too hard. Neither of those things were the problem. He had power over them, he chose them. He paid money for the bag of powder or the bottle, he poured out what he wanted, he took it in. That wasn't powerless.

Powerless was lying at the foot of the stairs and hearing Dad's footsteps coming down them and knowing there was no way he was going to be able to move fast enough to get away. Powerless was a dark parking lot after a few too many drinks. Powerless was straps around his wrists and his ankles, holding him to the bed while Damien did what he wanted. Powerless was saying stop over and over again and having it not mean a damn thing. Powerless wasn't about the drugs or the whiskey. Anybody who said so didn't know a damn thing about it.

He shoved his chair back and left the office, the page still blank. He could hear Kevin in the living room, singing along tunelessly to Mama Mia! and probably scribbling away on a legal pad. He was powerless when it came to Kevin, too, really. In a way. Couldn't tell Kevin no, that was for damn sure. But that was...different. It was all fucking different.

He went up the stairs to their bedroom, sitting down on the edge of the mattress and rubbing his eyes. A headache was threatening at the edge of his awareness, and he really should take one of his pills and lie down until it passed, but he did need to fill out the stupid worksheet by the time he went to Jason's in...twenty hours. Disappointing Jason was almost as bad as disappointing Kevin. Bunch of manipulative freaks that they were.

"Fuck," he muttered, and flopped back on the bed, pressing the heels of his hands over his eyes. Maybe he just couldn't do this. Maybe Jason was wrong and the whole process was not for him. Maybe it was all bullshit.

He was going to have nightmares just from this much thinking about it, he would bet cold hard cash on it. That awareness made him itch inside; enough whiskey and he'd sleep deeply enough that the nightmares couldn't find him, enough coke and he wouldn't sleep at all.

"John?" He looked up, startled, to see Kevin in the doorway. "You okay, baby? Is your head bothering you?"

"A little," John muttered, matching Kevin's frown with one of his own. "Not too bad."

"You should take one of your pills."

"I don't want to." It was automatic, reflexive, the same argument they had whenever this came up. "You know I don't like feeling all...groggy and fucked-up."

Kevin smiled a little and shook his head, crossing over to the bathroom. "You don't like to be vulnerable, is what you don't like. Even though you have me to protect you."

John lay still, staring up at the ceiling and listening to the muffled sounds of Kevin getting ready for bed, and then as they became less muffled and Kevin came back to his side, bottle of pills in one hand and cup of water in the other.

"Sit up and take this," Kevin said. "For me? Let me take care of you, please?"

"One minute." John sat up slowly and smiled a little at Kevin, trying to offer some reassurance for the flash of worry that crossed Kevin's face. "I just remembered something I need to put on that worksheet. I'll be right back, okay?"

He hurried down the stairs, narrowly avoiding tripping over Clarence's mad uphill dash for his favorite spot on the bed. He went back to the office and grabbed a pen, bending over the paper.

It's the same demons in different forms, keeping me from being where I want to be and doing what I want to do. They both keep me from being here, being with Kevin and the kids and just living my life. I'm as powerless when I refuse to give in to good as when I was kept away by bad. And when I choose another bad to make me feel better, it's still not good. I don't know if this makes sense. But yeah. Okay. I admit it. Hurting myself to forget that people hurt me doesn't work. It makes my life unmanageable.

I need to do something different. And I'm going to need help. There, I said it. Are you happy now, Jason?

"John!" Kevin shouted from upstairs. "Come to bed before your dog takes your pillow."

"I'm coming," John called back, putting the worksheet on top of his keyboard where he'd be sure not to forget it tomorrow. "I'll be right there."

Woe, whine, woe

2008-06-27T18:49:46Z

I hate it when Kevin goes out of town. I mean, I'm glad he's getting to go to conferences, the opportunities are great. And he's getting recognized at this one for being awesome, which I think should happen a hell of a lot more often. Yes, thank you, my boyfriend IS awesome, now give him a corner office and, like, a plaque with his name on it.

But I don't like being here without him. The cat and dog are being extra clingy and annoying and sleeping on the couch sucks and I can't remember the code to the alarm system so I don't dare go anywhere because I won't be able to get back in.

Plus I've had three nightmares since he left and being by myself after those blows. Clarence isn't any help at all, he goes and hides under the stairs.

Sigh. Whine, whine, whine, my problems are boring. I hope he's having fun and meeting cool people. ~~Who are all ugly, so he doesn't like them better than me.~~ And I hope he buys me a present at the airport.

estreetboy @ 2008-06-23T10:53:00

2008-06-23T15:54:22Z

Guarantees:
* The dog will wake up first every morning.
* And he will make demands.
* Kevin will do what I want if I threaten to withhold coffee. (Threatening to withhold sex doesn't work, for some reason.)
* The liquor cabinet will be full.
* If something goes wrong, Kevin's mother will somehow know and show up with food.
* A little Bruce will make it better.